Hidden

How long will you remain hidden from my sight? It's been months since you went away but sometimes it only seems like yesterday.

I know somewhere in my heart you are there but I don't see you like I did. I didn't think it would be so hard to find you considering I have a decently strong faith but even that is hidden to a degree.

Come out come out wherever you are.

Christmas 2009

It has been exclaimed all over tv as a Christmas we won't soon forget--with blizzard warnings, almost a foot of snow and plans for everyone changing left and right. My sister worked Christmas eve, Christmas night and the day after and has been stuck at the hospital because the roads into the neighborhood would have caused too much difficulty to get back into the house. My dad picked us up Christmas day to spend the night and we are here another night. In some ways it was more entertaining than being home "alone" versus dad and stepfamily and their friends, but in some ways I am feeling homesick. I'm not sure what that is about exactly. I miss things as they "normally" are--my sister working, coming home and sleeping and me going to work or hanging out--going to church which I haven't made it to since choir practice last Tuesday. Maybe it is the normal holiday stress plus the blizzard that caused me to be overly emotional a lot of the holiday or maybe it was the memories and still not understanding things that caused me to cry when telling my mom about the plans to get over to my dad's for Christmas. I wonder if those feelings will ever go away?

When I was thinking about how I am feeling homesick, I started to wonder in part what it means to be homesick. I remember when I was in college I would call any place I slept home be it a friend's house I was sleeping at or a dorm room I fell asleep in. I've lived in different homes with my parents, the convent, my own places, my sister and even in another state...and I do agree with the addage that "home is where the heart is." I just wonder if people ever really have a specific place to call "home." Especially in a world where everything is so transient...

I have been growing in awareness of the different state of mind I have been in for the past few months. It seems like God is opening up every avenue for me to be able to concentrate on healing from the past. I've bargained with God before on not making me work on that until this "other" crisis was over. God has always held me to it, but it seems like I'm at a point in my life where no "crisis" seems to be happening. It's giving me a bit of freedom to explore this aspect of my life--one which I am great at avoiding naturally:)

So I really have no reason, other than the usual fear, to keep me from going through this part.
Here it goes....

Reflection on Quotes

On Being in Touch with Our Inner Child
"There is an innocence within me that already knows how to trust my Higher Power, to cherish life while holding it lightly, to live fully and simply in the present moment. I will allow that part of myself to come forward and nourish me as I continue on this journey."(from Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, page 82). Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA


This quote is inspiring to me as I continue the journey towards healing and as I learn of what has gone on in my life that has brought me to where I am today.

Those Thoughts in my Head

Once I come into contact with reactionary people, regardless of if it is just a characteristic of the person, I am discovering I am tending to retreat in one way or another. It’s very interesting. Even though I know in my head that this person who is reacting may even be “acting” out of a joke, I find I will speak less readily to that person right after the outburst.
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What sort of attachment lesson did I miss growing up? I feel I missed something because there is something that interferes with good and healthy relationships that I now have. I am finding fears that are not grounded in reality (which I guess fears don't necessarily come out of fantasy always:)) that bring anxiety. I am finding I am so blessed with good people in my life. And my "adult" self really works on trying to keep those relationships healthy, but my little "child" is crying out for some reassurance. And I know I've got to teach the child that it's all okay. I just wish I knew that lesson that I can share. So I'll keep working and trying and praying that my relationships remain healthy and that I can be the best person to those people in my life.

Stranger Than Fiction

It had been a long day. Mary had turned the corner after leaving her retreat to find her dad driving past her.